McQueen

this is a designer that i respect for being fearless in his vision.  shameless.  he trusted his art to speak for itself.  and it did.  and it will continue to do so.  you will be remembered and your incredible vision will echo in eternity.  love.

RIP ~ Lee Alexander McQueen  March 1969 – February 2010

my body remembers you

my body remembers you.
she remembers what you felt like in her cells
in her head
on her tongue
she remembers what if felt like
to talk of trikes and bikes and cars
her DNA has been negatively imprinted with your memory
not negative like a feeling
but like a photograph's negative
she has to shake it out of it's allies in the box
and hold it up to the light
with the mind set of nostalgia in the fore front of her heart

and every time she makes out the blurry sense of things
while holding the plastic reflection of her history
she's learning about bleeding
and needing
and seething

she is me
remembering friends and lovers and family
that were once so ingrained in my flesh
and my pumping heart
but now seem a distant whistle calling out for her best friend{s}

and i manage.

i manage to forcibly remove the pull i feel when i see your face
or when i hear your [voice] in my head
whispering the sound of our laughter
feeling the hope of our matter

so never mind about premise
or pretense
in which we have lost our way
this heart will always suspend that moment
when we laughed
when we cried

and she will put away the negatives until
she needs them

again.

hiccup

suppose i did believe in love.
what then?
suppose i did secretly think that maybe one day it would find me
silent and humble and true
without anger in my heart and without sadness in my soul
suppose that along my journeys
i have experienced love
between the sheets
between the ‘relationships’
between here and there.
between places that i can no longer define
i cannot seem to grasp that which my heart desires these days
searching…..
like the hour glass on my screen
telling me that the machine is working
telling me that the machine is in it.
it is in the middle of this and that
reckoning with resolve
of friends grown a part
of friends grown close
of family so far away
of landscapes that i have not seen and yearn for
craving experience and full and beautific
messy hearts
the heatedness of truths and lies
and the complicated simplicity that it all brings.
complicated in that,
even in love,
however big or small,
the common thread that runs through us is this.
this condition of safety
of fear
of source
of relativity
simple in that,
even in love,
we are all together.
that wine that we drank down
contained crushing thoughts
of levity and dreams
and these love affairs that keep popping in and out of my life
like the threads that keep unraveling from my favorite sweater
are simply bread crumbs
left behind
hiccups
between feasts
hiccups between breaths
the breath before the declaration
hiccups between songs
recovering the melody after the lyric
or the other way around?
the hiccups
on a Sunday morning after whiskey
and the first time you lay your hands on my skin
what does that feel like?
can you feel my veins full of vanity
the vanity of my loyalty
the feeling of the safe space
that i have created for my lovers
do you feel the years
do you feel the lengthy conversations
do you feel my broken hearts
“there were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away”
do you fear that you may be one of them
in the form of friend, foe or lover
do you feel me.

today

today i am thankful
for the light that i have managed to generate
within
our conversation
that walk
adventures
the unknown
new music
old music
every time you laugh
every time i laugh
every time you notice my eyes
seeing your beauty
inside

inside your mouth
inside your silence
inside you arms

whether you be a friend or a lover
i am thankful for it all
for the myriad of emotions
that pass through my body
and her limbs
just on the outskirts
of sane and crazy

the glow of my computer
is enough light to see your soul
to hear it's tone
to be what you need
to be what i need
in this moment
we are full

the billow of my curtains
are enough air for us to share
recycled
sighs
twisted sheets
tangled hearts
hair akimbo

thankful.
for that which i cannot explain
for that which i can
for that
which i have been whispering
into the mouth of a guitar
played by my best friend
when i watch her perform
and sing along
to the songs that i know
and sway
to the ones i don't

today.
i am my mother's daughter
i caught myself
in her laughter
but mine
in her retorts
in her voice
in her hands
in the way we both apply Blistex.
in the way that our compassion
separates her and i from everyone else.
in the way that we both
see children
as beautiful snowflakes
falling from a bright blue sky
without direction
but with purpose
without judgment
but with will
without expectations
but with hope
without sadness
but with tears.

and as i journey through this life
i am drunk off of the beautiful people
that put the pencil back in my hand
and remind me of my studies
keep your nose in that book
don't be late
your thesis is coming along....
word count: infinite
format: single spaced
due date: everyday
bibliography: my whole human family
dedication: to everyone who ever had a dream and remembered it
subject: love
objective: to create a space within yourself where you can give love without shame

and the sight of rust
on my grandfather's truck
is just the right shade of age
and the tint of orange
in this morning's sunrise
is just right shade of silence
and the water stained charcoal
concrete
is just the right shade
of my footsteps
following her path that
which is undetermined
and
that
undetermined
destination
is just as it should be
and the warm amber heat
that emanates from your heart
when you touch my face
is just the right
touch
because it is
bold as love

bloom

there are some things that people just don’t get over
and there are a few for me.
one of which was the death of my grandmother.
and the others are a long list of loves
love that burst into my life
unannounced
totally, beautifully explosive
and loves that took time
to grow
that took time
to cultivate
that took time
to bloom

but some loves, romantic loves
have caressed my soul
in the most unique and surprising way
so much so – that it’s really unbelievable
to fall in love with someone
like a miracle
like lightning
or something…..
and it made me so sad to see them
fly away from my window pane
at their own chosen speed

but in another way
it’s the learning about myself
that is really, the most breathtaking part
to learn that in heartbreak
there is renewal
there is promise
there is hope
that my love is a well
of infinite measurement

that my heart grows bigger
and my soul reaches deeper
into the ground
every time i utter your name
and set it free like a secret
in the form of a tea light
into the sea
and i watch it float
until the horizon is so far
that i have to squint

and in my marrow
are the hugs and the kisses that have
carried me along
carried me along the way
like a band of jolly good fellows

and in my blood
bloodletting
makes it richer
makes it
red
red
red

and in my love laceration
coagulation
is complex in its
season change
from sunny shine summer
to falling snow winter

and those that are clumsy
with my parts
shall no longer be offered a wrench
shall no longer have their finger on the trigger
of my oil can
shall no longer grease my
pistons

wherein

the machine
of my parts
reside
in a space
empty
and quiet
where i put flowers
so that i can breathe

an ode to a lover.....

my thought of your face
of your breath
the curve in your spine
the specks in your eyes
comes from a place of blind faith
I burn for you to stomp
Into my life already
To drink my milk
straight from the carton
all the while
disregarding
the fact
that it is
spilling
dripping
missing
from your mouth
and the conversation
that you and I have
with each others eyes
is in complete and
fractured sentences
and our scarves
are far too big for
our bodies
we look like the little
girl
trying on Mommy's
heels
over sized hats
the string of pearls
that hang
like the willow
outside our front window

I digress

and you are the only
other person that fully
understands my ridiculous
sunglasses
and I
you
and when you
finally get here
I have a laundry
list of experiences
to tell you
and show you
along with that list
is the empty check boxes
the 'to do'
that you
should
do
hush my screams
check
shoot the crows from my corn field
check
steal my heart from my tin exterior
check
corrode my copper engine
check
run holes in my stockings
check
bruise my anemic arteries
check
check
check

the complicated chemistry
that demands
of us
presence
in each others memory
and your presence in my memory
sits patiently
like a dog
waiting for her
next command
and of course I have
cautiously turned down
my flame
to preserve my
light
for you
before night falls
and as you follow
that trail
through the woods
guided only by your instinct
you can smell
the sweetness
of lilacs
and clementines
resonating
across the lake
like time shifting
from light to dark
in the
summer

and in that moment
where you find
home
in the midst of
fallen leaves
trees
rocks
branches
inclines
declines
your pores will open
your capillaries will dilate
and I will welcome
you
with a Whiskey
black satin pumps
boyfriend jeans
v-neck white tee
charcoal eyes
Monroe hips
and a bright
red
pumping
aorta

who i roll with...

music is interlaced throughout my life in ways that only my cells and tissue can attest.  it is me.  it articulates what my heart wants to say.  it's memories.  it's the closest thing i have to a religion.  so, here's some of the stray cats that i roll with.  daily.

we'll call this a rainy day playlist, seeing as how it's a rainy.....day....

Hawkings

Tom Ford Hawkings Sunglasses.

Balenciaga Dreams

dreaming of Balenciaga boots.  these are the short ones.....there are the knee high ones too.......i've always had a 'thing' for boots.  i suppose i will just add these to the list.... ~heart~

G20 Summit

so, i ran into this girl on my way home from work on Friday.  she was trying to hitch a ride to Toronto for the G20 Summit.  and all i have been hearing about are the riots and police brutality.  this image is such a juxtaposition of what i think was the intention of people who showed up there to exercise their rights....and what actually happened.  i, by no means, know much about what happened - i was not there, however, i know in my heart, that people with this kind of smile and respect - are not antagonizing police officers to shoot rubber bullets at them.

Our Very Own Dita in Simons

this girl was sitting on the steps waiting for someone on the entrance steps just inside Simons.  everything about her screams quiet style.  classy.  perfect length of skirt.  a pop of throw-back flare.  but, the most striking element to me, was her cheek bones.  just perfect.

Saddle Shoes DT MTL

so, it's often that i am walking around...watching people.  most of the time i am disinterested and much more interested in getting to my destination.  but, every once in a while - someone stands out in the crowd.  and she stood out.  it was all about the shoes and the red stain on her lips.  that colour is just the right hue of blue....and her demeanor - just the right pitch of nostalgia.

taken from the back of the bus.

play:  Out of My Mind, Just in Time ~ Erykah Badu

the sun hits my face at the end of the day

this sun is what fills my heart with warmth

and hope

at a time

when

your touch must be forgotten

your laugh must be an echo

of a memory

that i once had

but

there is a ghost

that is pulling on my skirt

a child

that is whispering in my ear

'not this time

don't forget him

there is a plan much bigger

than you.

than this feeling.

than this sadness.'

so

i continue on this journey

laying

in the cut

waiting for my moment

getting on the bus

swish

swish

my hips sway

from

side

to

side

as i walk to the back

of the bus.

slump down

in the back corner

feet up

on the metal side

in front of me

i look outside

the window

and snap this

shot

which perfectly

articulates

my frame of mind

so full

of love

and can only be

described as a

long sigh

~exhale

with my head tilted back

eyes closed

the right corner

of my mouth

smirked

in wait

caught in a thought

of sweet

sweaty

saliva

and then the bus

hisses

*cough cough*

back to reality

and as it pulls away

from

that moment

that sunset

that thought

resonates

in my limbs

like the vibrations

of a guitar chord

that has been

neglected

so the strings

are not taught

they are loose

loose in sound

loose in pressure

but

heavy in thought

and heavy in

heart.

 

work in progress

to look through an open door to see another open door is somewhat of a fascinating sight.  it reminds me that i will always look for the path less taken.  i will always seek a different perspective.
to see what i see and feel what i feel is just as it should be. after my 30 times around in this life - i have realized that there is nothing truer for me than myself.  where my art, my love, my self-discovery, my sass, my heart, my soul - is just mine. in the most beautiful and open way.

i'll tell you what
there is plenty wrong with me
but i fixed up a few old buildings
and i've planted a few trees
and children seem to like me
and animals too
like the birds and the bees

and eating a sandwich
standing over the kitchen counter
with only the sound of chewing in the room
i can see you as a challenge
that i will eagerly meet
cuz you are way way way way sweet

it's just that kind of evening
that cracks open like a half shaken beer
cool and refreshing and running down your arm
and baby there's really no other place i'd rather be than here
so pardon my periodic alarm

you are ever true
ever new in love
and i mean that in the best and worst way
and i don't really know what i was so mad about
but the full moon is about a week away

i'll tell you what
there is plenty wrong with you
stuff you'd sooner fight for than cop to
but i think it's just more reason why we are meant to be
people say i look like you
and you look like me
and we get this crazy combination
of everything and nothing right
but we are way way way way
way way way way
way tight

~ani difranco 'way tight'