Fraud

i feel like a fraud
walking
talking
smiling
thinking
moving
along in the world
whilst my heart winces every single time i breathe
the unknown occuring
inevitably
everything occuring
whether i am ready or not
like a daredevil
slinking up that cliff
only to decend farther and farther
daily

like the decal of a bird on the glass
to remind myself to
not
fly into a facade
an illusion
fearing wolves dressed in everyday clothing
fearing

remembering all of the things i have learned
up until now
what i want
what i don't
what i give
what i don't
what i live
what i won't

`like flared jeans and heels.....seems like a good idea at the time
but never in practice
unless they are wedges
wedges look good with everything`

so, all i'll do
is remain in the audience
watching my life happen
in one dimension
without participating
until i work up the courage
to take the journey up onto the stage
ill equipped, no less
and dance
once again

engage

once again

in the luscious glory
that is the excitement of the unknown
that is the excitement of meeting new people and touching new faces with my eyes
examining silhouettes

bred from different foods
weened from different moods
dined from different broods

amourously out of reach
resisting defeat
with a lot of fight left
for an unknown place which must exist
as i have already fallen in love
with the taking of chances
and the new landscape
and dreaming of new adventures
yet taken

Shoe In

The loveliest man gifted me July's issue of Vogue USA last week.  I just got around to reading it today.  Oh, hush babies.  A girl is trying to rebuild, here.  Ha. 

What caught my eye were two very different styles of shoe.  One, a boot:  Givenchy by Riccardo Tisci. 

Two:  A platform lace-up by Louis Vuitton.

Now, the platform shoe is not exactly the one I saw in the mag.....but the bones of it are, generally, the same.  Feast your peepers on these morsels, my lovelies.  These two bodies are what reoccur in my, current, shoe obsessive closet. 

It's a hot night in the Calgary city-like.  This should cool you down....hot like ice. 

Fight or Flight

So, there's this thing in me that always seems to come up
Fight
or
Flight
And I suppose that it's in everyone.
Everywhere I turn, I hear that people are afraid
Afraid of real, true love
Afraid of loving someone else
Afraid of leaving someone
Afraid of getting too attached

And as I grow older, it seems to be more prevalent

When we are children we are fearless
We approach the world in a pure way - with an open heart and mind
As we get older, we see how love and attachment pains and hurts us
We are conditioned to give less and less of ourselves in the hopes that this will protect us

But, really, isn't that what life is all about?
Isn't love the one thing that is 'the thing'?

I mean, self-preservation is an angle
But, we still seem to get hurt anyways
And even if we are successful, at self-preservation, it's such a lonely place
It was for me

There was a time in my life when I set out on a journey of self discovery
A journey that could have never been anticipated or mapped out
I committed myself as
A canary in a coal mine
Releasing myself into circumstances, otherwise, uncharacteristic
Up until this point
Within this space, I became a professional lover without attachments
Without the ability to allow new people to experience all that is what makes me who I am

Like an empty space inside of my heart where the weeds took root - Radiohead

It was a revolution

But, it was a revolution with an expiry date
It was a revolution without a future

The true revolution that happened to me
Was when I put down all of the expectations and tools that were tooling me
It was when I decided to take a tale of woe and turn it on it's head
I got tired of feeling sorry for myself
And I got tired of blaming other people for my unhappiness
It exhausted me to a point of, nea